Augustus’ law. Rome, 18 B.C

-          A husband who does not at once dismiss his wife whom he has taken in adultery can be prosecuted as a pimp.

Well butter my biscuit, there goes reconciliation!  If you are one of those gentle soul types of men who forgave his wife, then you should make an immediate dash to Camden Square and buy yourself a purple feathered coat and hat … and don’t forget to powder your pimp hand!

York, 1173 AD

-          It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.

This one is still in effect today, so if you’re Scottish and visiting York and someone asks you to pose for a picture holding their toy bow and arrow, your spider sense should be tingling. On the other hand, if you’re planning to knock off your accountant, you should now plant a bow, arrow and kilt on him and say it was for the good of the kingdom and Henry II!

The Christian Bible, 538-332 BC

-          “Ye shall not round the corners of your heads.” — Leviticus 19:27

In common speak, this means that you’re not allowed to shave your beard. Granted, this wasn’t a state law, but a law is a law and this one has its downsides. Since it’s a religious regulation, it also means that it’s still in effect today so, if you see a shaven Christian or Jewish face, be sure to smite him mightily.

Greece, 620 BC

-          Lawmakers shall introduce new edicts while standing on a raised platform with a rope about their neck

Well here’s one that should have continued into modern society! The idea was that lawmakers would think very carefully before trying to introduce something self-serving or plain stupid because if your law was perceived as being dumb, then you went down with it. This might have been very effective against the American Patriot Act or the South African Protection of Information Bill.

I leave you with an amusing piece of trivia which should get you thinking the next time you give the police a statement – “It was the custom in Ancient Rome for the men to place their right hand on their testicles when taking an oath. The modern term ‘testimony’ is derived from this tradition.”

Guest Author:

Warren Kings is a content writer that has a flare for humour; he is always able to turn any topic into a smile and has recently proven so with topics such as Pennsylvania Accident Injury Lawyers and Pennsylvania Car Accident Lawyers

AMERICA

• In Alabama, you may not drive a car while barefoot or blindfolded.
• In Alabama, a windshield for your car isn’t mandatory but a windshield wiper is.
• In California, a women may not drive a car if she is wearing a housecoat.
• In California, when driving your car, you may not shoot at wildlife, unless the target is a whale…
• In Eureka, California, you may not use the road as a spot for your bed.
• In Hermosa Beach, California the people are really serious about their drinks, and you may not spill your Margarita on the street.
• In Denver, Colorado. You are not allowed to drive a black car on Sundays.
• In Minneapolis and Massachusetts, you may not drive any kind of red car in Lake street.
• In Clinton, Oklahoma you’re not allowed to molest any car. We wish we knew how that one started…
• In Dublin, Georgia, it is  illegal to drive your car through any playground.
• We like this one: In Wichita, Kansas, the driver has to get out of his vehicle and fire three shots in the air before he can cross the intersection of Broadway and Douglas.
• In Florida, if an elephant is tied to a parking meter, you have to pay the full fee just as if the elephant was a vehicle.
• Another elephant one. If you decide to take your elephant for walkies, you have to leash it. If it strolls without a leash through the street, you will be fined.
• In Quitman, Ga., it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road…so who do they fine btw?
• In Arcadia, California, peacocks have the right of way, always.
• In Temulca, California, ducks are allowed to cross the road at all times. In Indiana, you are not allowed to pass a horse.
• In Pennsylvania, a driver crossing the country road at night has to stop every mile and shoot a flare into the night. After ten minutes he may proceed until the next mile.
• In Memphis, Tennessee, New Orleans, LA  and Alabama, a man has to run or walk in front of a car driven by a woman while waving a red flag to warn oncoming traffic of the impending danger.

AUSTRALIA

• When you are given a life sentence, it only lasts 25 years.
• Children may smoke cigarettes, but not buy them.
• When leaving your car, you may not leave the keys in the ignition.
• Back in the days of dial up connections, your modem wasn’t allowed to pick up on the first ring.
• You may only change your light bulb if you are a qualified electrician.
• No feeling sexy on Sundays, as it is illegal to wear hot pink pants after midday.
• Any comic books which have illegal acts depicted in them will be banned.
• Radio stations are required to have a 35% margin of Canadian music, talks and facts.
• You may not pay only in pennies when you buy a fifty cent item.
• Want to redress your bandages? Then do so in a private room, as citizens aren’t allowed to remove their bandages in public.
• Caffeine may not be an ingredient in non-dark or clear sodas.
• Businesses must have a rail available at all time, which can be used to tie up your horse.
• Crap players may not use dice in their games.
• Just been released from prison? Lucky you, as you are required by law to receive a handgun, bullets and a horse.
• You may not water your front yard while it’s raining.
• Margarine may not be yellow when produced by margarine companies.
• You have to fill your water trough before 5 am if you have one in your front yard.
• You may not pee in the city, as it in a non pee zone.
• No ugly houses in Canada, as all colors of houses and garage doors are regulated by city law.

CANADA

• Any comic books which have illegal acts depicted in them will be banned.
• Radio stations are required to have a 35% margin of Canadian music, talks and facts.
• You may not pay only in pennies when you buy a fifty cent item.
• Want to redress your bandages? Then do so in a private room, as citizens aren’t allowed to remove their bandages in public.
• Caffeine may not be an ingredient in non-dark or clear sodas.
• Businesses must have a rail available at all time, which can be used to tie up your horse.
• Crap players may not use dice in their games.
• Just been released from prison? Lucky you, as you are required by law to receive a handgun, bullets and a horse.
• You may not water your front yard while it’s raining.
• Margarine may not be yellow when produced by margarine companies.
• You have to fill your water trough before 5 am if you have one in your front yard.
• You may not pee in the city, as it in a non pee zone.
• No ugly houses in Canada, as all colours of houses and garage doors are regulated by city law.

BEIJING, SINGAPORE and THAILAND

• In Singapore, you may not write on someone’s car with removable ink.
• In Singapore, you may not be in a 50 meter radius of a pedestrian when they are crossing the road.
• In Singapore, throwing away bubblegum in the street will catch you a hefty fine of $600
• In Thailand, it is illegal to leave your house without any underwear. No freedom in Thailand.
• In Thailand, you may not step on any local currency.
• In Thailand, you must wear a shirt while driving a car.
• In Beijing, drivers who stop at a pedestrian crossing will be fined, or given a strict warning.

FRANCE

• In France, 70% of music played on any radio station has to be from French artists.
• No kissing on any railway track.
• You may not name or address your pig as Napoleon.
• No officers or police cars may appear in photos, even in the background.
• It is illegal to die in a cemetery without a cemetery plot.

SAUDI ARABIA

• In Saudi Arabia, it is illegal for any women to drive a car or bicycle on public roads. They are allowed to drive  on a private road, but will be arrested when found on public roads. .
• You may not wash your car or hang up wet clothes to dry on a Sunday.
• Mowing your lawn on a Sunday will get you arrested, since it’s oh so noisy.
• You may not relieve yourself while standing after 10pm, or flush the toilet after 10pm.
• You can drink absinth, but you’re not allowed to make it, sell it, or store it. Buy and drink on the spot!

SWITZERLAND

• You may not wash your car or hang up wet clothes to dry on a Sunday.
• Mowing your lawn on a Sunday will get you arrested, since it’s oh so noisy.
• You may not relieve yourself while standing after 10pm, or flush the toilet after 10pm.
• You can drink absinth, but you’re not allowed to make it, sell it, or store it. Buy and drink on the spot!

UK

• The commissioner of Police has to give you the go ahead to drive your cows down the road between 10 A.M. and 7  P.M.
• When a member of the family dies, all land must be left to the oldest son.
• Since 1313, Military Police may not wear armour in Parliament Carrots are the only goods allowed to be sold on a Sunday.
• All English males who are over the age of 14 must practice with their longbows for 2 hours a week. When doing this they must be supervised by a clergyman.
• It is illegal for two adult men to have sex in the same house as a third person.
• You may not break an egg on the pointed end, as decreed by Henry the VI. If you do, you will be sent to the village stocks for 24 hours.
• You may not hang your bed out of a window.
• Women may not eat chocolates on public transport.
• Any boys under the age of ten may not see a mannequin without any clothes on.

I suspect you wont find most of these on safety posters in schools so tread lightly! That’s why before you go anywhere you should study those rules, before you get any aarto fines…maybe you should lock yourself in your room, you might be breaking some obscure rule right now!

Get raucous:

Make sure you tell the driver to leave the divider down. You have paid for his time, and the vehicle, so he must listen to you. Now, if you can stand it, make a loud high pitch noise and keep at that level for as long as you can. Pause, take a deep breath and start again.
Release wind:
Sit as close to the open divider as possible. Drink a gassy drink and begin belching and blowing in his direction. Feel free to cut the cheese and for improved impact, waft the toxic gasses in his direction.

Ready, aim, fire:

Take every bottle of bubbly in the refrigerator. Remove the wrapping, aim the cork at the back of the driver’s head and slowly edge the cork out with your thumbs. See how many times you can smash the projectile into his skull before he stops and begs you to stop. Agree, and then start over once he gets going again.

Have a bonfire:

Well, don’t really do that. Fire in the back of the cabin will certainly end in a lawsuit and could, in fact, cost you your life. You want to leave the cabin looking as if it was ravaged by a tornado. Mess champagne, grind snacks into the floor and hide food in between the seats. The driver will not be impressed.

Choose the parking:

Once you are done at your main event, take the driver on a journey through some dodgy neighbourhoods before making him parallel park in as many tough parking spots as you can find. As soon as he pulls up the handbrake, tell him you have changed your mind and want to go somewhere else. Repeat the process until your time is up.
Avoid having to resort to this behaviour by inspecting the limo company of your choice thoroughly before booking.

Keeping it cool.

I came to Cape Town in 2003 to study Sound Engineering, being a music fanatic and all. Pressed for time and accommodation, I moved into a flat without even meeting the person I was going to spend a lot of enclosed time with. What a big mistake. My brother and I got all my stuff on our lorry, and were on our way to my new home.

Along the way, the lorry broke down on the highway and we had to wait for someone to come and help us. We decided to unload one of the couches and leisurely watched the car’s go by while waiting. It was quite funny; some drivers could not for the life of them understand what the hell we were doing. Needless to say, we got help and I successfully moved into the flat.

I was under the impression that the living arrangement included me and just one other girl. Imagine my surprise when I walked into the television room and saw that this girl’s boyfriend renovated it into a room for him, bunk beds and all! I am a very laidback person, so decided not to make an issue out of this. Later on, it wasn’t that much fun, regardless that he was not paying one cent of rent; they cuddled up in front of the TV every night and whispered sweet nothings into each other’s ear, which made me want to hurl seven kinds of vomit. The only place in the flat where my stomach could settle was in my extremely small room.

I decided that it was payback time; I pasted the most revolting Slipknot poster on my door and listened to death metal while they were watching they’re horrible soapies. They didn’t directly complain, but made it very clear that it was frowned upon. I couldn’t care less; I was partially paying for her boyfriend to stay there, so each to its own. If I can give you some advice, make damn sure that you know what you’re letting yourself in for when you move into Cape Town accommodation with someone.

This is no exaggeration

The wind, the rain, this sudden rush of winter trying to keep its intense grip over us fine citizens of Cape Town, is really, truly insane. Being on a scooter also means that a). I’m in constant danger when it comes to the elements and b). Wind is the most dangerous of them all. There is a flip side to this maddeningly crazy weather; it seems to have blown some luck my way. The SEO company that I work for, has been kind enough to make me a permanent member of staff, as well as increasing my salary considerably.

All on the 13th day of the month as well. Bad luck for some, but not me. Christmas is also starting to affect me slightly. I’m not used to the whole, Santa, reindeer’s and presents vibe. My girlfriend has most certainly upped my festive spirit though. This is the first time in my life that I will be purchasing plenty of presents for people I have not known for very long.

Yesterday I had my Spur Nachos at the V&A Waterfront. It was excellent as per usual. My waiter however, to put it mildly, was insanely gay in an over the top sort of manner. I have nothing against any religion, culture or sexual preference, but jeez, tone it down for the tired customers. I half expected him to sing ‘Hello Dolly’ in a full Caribbean dress and stage make-up. Madness. At least he made me and my girlfriend chuckle. Maybe that was what he wanted to accomplish. Ah, Cape Town.

Thank you for reading, enjoy your day and have a great weekend.

It was pointed out to me that I speak about the weather quite a bit. For some reason, meteorological conditions seem to interest people and this could be one of the reason I have such an affinity for weather reporting. Lets speak about something else then.

Such as the WineX, which ran from the 10-12 September at the CTICC. I remember only snippets of this crazy event as I had run the gauntlet of every stall, from A-T [the was no U-Z for some reason]. The party consisted of me, my cousin, his finance and my awesome girlfriend. All our favourite wines from the Riebeek Wes Trip was there as well. We just kept drinking and drinking and drinking… It all became a blur very early on, with my girlfriend smacking me in the rear any time I became to inebriated. Unlike last year [This is my 4th Wine], there was very little in the way of free food, such as crackers and cheese. Only one measly piece of cottage cheese was on display and I was assured that there would be more. Little did I know, that the only food item I would eat for 3-4 hours would be crackers.

I had sampled Grappa, sweet port, honey liquor and other liquid monstrosities which had caused my stomach to cramp. The evening ended at 9pm for us and we crawled home dangerously on my scooter. The ride was over, but the party had just begun. I had to make it in time for my SEO articles, I was on a deadline. I did not have time to compete with a hangover. Until later dear readers.

I am strange. People keep telling me this and I have grown accustomed to it. One of the ways in which this strangeness manifests itself is my aversion to shopping. Yes, you read correctly – I despise shopping. I am in my twenties, I am a girl and the mere idea of going on a shopping spree sets my teeth on edge.

Shopping in Cape Town is a near Olympic sport. Women (and men) from all walks of life participate gleefully in this intricate leisure pursuit, the smell of burning plastic lingering in their wake. They frighten me, these athletes of accumulation. Fluorescent lighting seems to have no effect on them. Neither do queues, screaming children or overbearing shop assistants. They are single-minded in their pursuit and nothing gets in their way. Me? I am both impatient and chronically indecisive. Commission-based shop assistants smell me and my gullibility a mile away and fluorescent lighting makes me feel like a deer in the headlights. Not a good combination, I’ll tell you that much.

In order to overcome this crippling dislike of shopping I employ lists. I plan a shopping trip in the same way the military plans hostile takeovers – carefully and with obsessive precision. I know beforehand what I need to get, where I will be getting it and how long it will take me to get it. Timing, of course, is crucial. Go to the shops when it is too busy and the schedule will be compromised, go when it is too quiet and chances are you’ll get ambushed by bored shopping assistants. Neither is conducive to a successful shop and therefore it is necessary to establish the Golden Mean (i.e. the perfect time) for each of the shops you plan to visit and then calculate these into the over-all time schedule. Quite stressful and time consuming really.

Food shopping on the other hand, now there’s something I enjoy. Open-air markets are an especial favourite. The bustle of stall owners, the smells of fresh produce, the vibrant colours of the wares on display – what’s not to like? There’s nothing like the simple pleasure of weighing a fragrant tomato or aubergine in my hand to put me right at ease.

There is a fresh food market in Stellenbosch that I used to frequent. My boyfriend and I would go on Saturdays and leisurely cruise the stalls. Around lunchtime we would buy freshly baked ciabatta’s, cheese, cured ham and a bottle of vino and settle down at one of the trestle tables with our spoils. We would assemble our sandwiches and eat them in relative silence as we watched the market crowd go by. Women with strollers, fathers with kiddies on their shoulders, old couples and young people all enjoying the bounty and buzz of the market. Some Saturdays two young guys would settle by the central fountain and play tinkling flamenco tunes of their beat-up guitars…Utter bliss.

So, I guess I have to contend with the fact that I will never be any good at shopping for clothes and things and that I will always be wearing shoes that should in all rights have been thrown out weeks ago. But, if you ever need someone to accompany you on a gastronomic excursion, remember – I’m your girl.

A typical winters day in the fairest Cape

Its winter in Cape Town and that means two things are happening. Everyone has abandoned their flip-flops and board shorts for boots and jerseys. The second and more frightful change [for Captonians at least] has to be the weather. Every year, for months on end it rains torrents of cold winter liquid onto our unprepared city. Winter is a season Cape Town is never prepared for. Other countries like the UK have double-glazed windows, internal heating and bodies that have somehow adapted to these arctic conditions. When the temperature first dips below 10 degrees, our scarves and imported North Face jackets come out the closet, wrapping us in a layer of warmth. However, it’s never enough protection for us. Scarce of us carrying a portal heater in our pockets wherever we go, the winter chill will always stop us dead in our tracks. I always say to myself, ‘Wow, I really prefer summer because it harder to cool down then it is to warm up.’ Nevertheless, come summertime I always say, ‘Man it’s hot. Why can’t it be winter? Its far easier to warm up then it is to cool down.’
I have my reasons mind you. This week alone, we have 4 days of constant rain and temperatures ranging from 14-10 degrees during the day. That’s not normal cape weather. I first glimpsed the sun yesterday after a week of cloud coverage and I almost began to cry, probably because I stared directly into it. My advice is to stay inside for the rest of winter and only leave your house when the Waterfront has a sale on beach towels and speedo’s. Cape Towns accommodation is certainly lacking in internal heating.